It's crazy to think about how fast time flies... Already, it's been almost an entire decade since I graduated from High School, and I'm at the point now when I can say that I clearly remember 20 years ago. That's a really weird feeling!
I was thinking about 10 years ago, trying to remember what I imagined my life to be like at this point. I know for one thing that I imagined my 28-year-old self as a lot more "adult" than I feel these days. I still feel like exactly the same person. When you're 18, you imagine your 28-year-old self to have really lived a lot... to have seen and done all the things that you knew you wanted to back then. And while I can probably say that my travel goals have been chipped away at fairly consistently over the years, I definitely imagined that I'd not only have a comfortable career, but that I'd also have managed to have a decent-sized family by this point.
Thinking back now on the last 5 years, I don't really feel like I've particularly wasted a lot of time, but... It sure does feel like those precious years have gone by a lot more quickly than I might have liked. My career goals have been frustratingly stymied by a combination of unfortunate circumstance and, sometimes, a lack of motivation; my personal goals have been frustratingly stymied by others' poor sense of direction.
It's a curious thing, but for the first time in my life, I can't honestly paint a picture of what I'd like 10 years from now to look like for me... I can't really even paint a clear picture of what I hope next New Year's Day to feel like. There is so much uncertainty in so many aspects of my life that I don't even feel I'm in a position to plan or hope -- I just have to let time pass and see what comes next.
-The business should have evolved considerably by next New Year's Day; if all goes well, my role will no longer include any making or delivering frozen desserts -- it should be a much more pleasant existence. Less physically strenuous and time-consuming, more mentally challenging and flexible.
-Baby girl Campbell will be here with us next New Year's Day... a bouncing, delightful 9-month-old. If I am really committed and diligent, and all goes well, she should know quite a bit of sign language, maybe be saying one or two words, and be using EC to use her potty frequently.
-Next New Year's Day, Jess, Ben, and Jhonen may or may not still live here, Courtney &/or Katie may or may not have moved in to rent their rooms, Colin and I may or may not be married, we may or may not have plans to move someplace else, Gramma may be retired or she may find a job or may still be working for Trio, and the list of who-knows-what just goes on and on...
Point is, even the biggest and most important aspects of my life in the relatively near future are surrounded by giant question marks. And since everything that will eventually come to be later on is determined by a multitude of things that are happening right now, it's really impossible to paint a picture of 5 or 10 years from now.
Maybe that's the main thing that's changed in me over the past 10 years... 10 years ago, I figured that anything I wanted to happen I could make happen. That if I really believed something was supposed to happen, that I could bring about an environment in which it was possible. Now, in contrast, I have started to see what a profound effect other people have on the course your life. (I'm not going to start singing "No Man is an Island", but you get the idea.)
It goes without saying, of course, that a child changes everything, which I'm becoming acutely aware of by watching Jess & Jhonen, but children are only part of it. I'm now intrinsically connected to Colin for the rest of my life, and gramma is with me for the long haul (and I need to be for her). Flexibility as a 30-something will mean something completely different from what it meant in my early 20's. I think Colin's discovering that contrast as well. He's finding more and more evidence that being stable and responsible is slightly more important than searching out ways to make discomfort or dissatisfaction less likely. It's not necessarily a difficult discovery, but it seems to be an important one: we probably can't just up and change everything at the drop of a hat anymore. Change now has to come gently, and with great consideration for all aspects of our lives.
Well, no, that's not true. It doesn't HAVE to come gently or with great consideration for all aspects of our lives... But we're both willing to admit that it's probably a smarter way to go about things these days.
For now, it's looking like we'll be sticking around here for another few years. We may even settle in for a pretty long time... It's hard to say. Colin's talking about expanding the upstairs here and how much he's enjoying his job (and the security it offers), and with the opportunities that are possible in terms of my business and where expansion could lead, sticking around to find out what happens next doesn't seem like a bad idea (even though it seemed like a terrible idea only a year ago)! Crazy what difference a little time makes!
In any case, 2009 in shaping up to be the best year ever... if only for the sole purpose of bringing a perfect little girl into our lives.
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