Picasa

For those of you who have been dying for some printed photos to place beneath your refrigerator magnets, I wanted to point out how amazingly easy it is to order prints through the picasa site. You select your favorite photos and add them to your print queue by selecting the "order prints" option.

If you click on it while you're looking at an album, it will assume you want to print the whole album. If you click on it while you're looking at a photo, it will assume you only want to print that photo. So, it'll do whatever you tell it to. :)

They then give you your choice of 4 different photo print services (including picking them up from your local walgreens).

Just wanted to make sure you knew you could. http://picasaweb.google.com/camp.melp

Back into the groove

Such a good girl. We're really pretty much back to normal, believe it or not! In between naps and eating, she's a super happy chick... She's started laughing a lot more when I play with her. I think her neck might be ticklish. Today, she chuckled heartily and flinched, closed her eyes when I walked my hands up her tummy toward her face. Over and over and over. It totally cracked me up and I WISHED I had a video camera so I could show you guys. It was hilarious.

I personally did not have the best day, unfortunately. I've been slacking on my water intake, and paid for it today in the form of a kidney stone. (boooo.) I was SO happy to not be pregnant anymore so I could take some Advil! (Those couple of episodes while I was pregnant seriously almost killed me... the heating pad is great, but... these things really require medication.)

Non sequitur: Just listening to Left4Dead is creepy. ::shiver::

Ahhh, sleep & stuff.

Before the surgery, I (admittedly selfishly) worked hard to get Calina's bedtime sleeping schedule from about 9:30pm-9:30am, since she got into a nice rhythm of being happy in bed for about 12 hours from when I put her to bed. (OK, with a couple nursing breaks in the middle, but since she sleeps right next to me, it wasn't exactly too rousing.)

Since we've been home, it's been REALLY hard to get her back in a good rhythm. She refuses to sleep more than about 10 minutes by herself during the day, so we have to hold her while she naps, if we want her to nap at all. Then, she's decided that 6 or 7 at night is an acceptable bed time, and then is UP UP UP at 6 or 7 in the morning (tooooo early for mom & dad, ugh).

So, our latest tactic is to get her to take a little nap around 6 or 7, and then go to bed for real around 9 or 10... Some nights it works great, some nights, not so much. Tonight, say. She was exhausted by 8, slept for 15 minutes, cried for half an hour, so we walked around the block, tried to put her down again at 9:30, but it took more than an hour for me to be able to get up and come in here and write about it!

Also, Colin was carrying her tonight, and it really struck me how much she's grown since she was born. Mostly, I still think of her as being about this big:

When, really, she's bigger than this now (this was more than a week ago):

How could this possibly be only 12 weeks difference? Cray-cray.

Thank you guys so much, by the way, for keeping up with us. This is quite a ride, and I'm glad we can share it with you.

She loves to kick!

Designing a helmet

We're still a month or so away from Calina's first helmet, but I'm already brainstorming about cool ways to decorate it. We had such good luck with the vinyl stickers we used on our shop's window (they're like auto decals), I'm thinking we might try getting some awesome design printed up to adhere to the helmet. (Waterproof, fade-resistent in the sun...)

Thought I'd post some brainstorming... some images I've come across that are inspiring. I'll need to come up with something that has a transparent background... But the helmet I get might have a background color like pink, purple, or blue... I'll have to find out more. :)

So, I could try to come up with something intricate like this (just without the background, and spreading out in more finger-like patterns...)

Or I could go with some sort of repeating pattern... Maybe as simple as bright polka dots or something. I could spend a REALLY long time trying to work out something like these:

Cute stuff, right? :)

5 days out

Calina is doing really well. I don't know how much more I can keep saying the same thing... We're just ever so relieved to be done with this ordeal, and every day that passes is one day closer to "normal".

So far, we have absolutely no signs that she's ever unreasonably uncomfortable (we give her tylenol or motrin every once in a while), and the incisions are healing beautifully. Our only problem so far is that she's extremely clingy and tense -- she has a hard time relaxing, a hard time being put down, and a hard time falling asleep. But other than just needing mom or dad to be paying attention to her at all times, which can get a little exhausting, things could not be better.

We are getting a lot of smiles out of her. As if she's saying, "Please, keep talking to me. Never leave me alone again."

First night home

We got a little worried around midnight when we realized that she really wasn't falling asleep. I had read some horror stories about families who were kept up for WEEKS by their kids who had been through the same surgery. It's hard for them to get comfortable lying down (obviously)!

She was really overtired and having a rough time settling down. Her head seemed to be waking her up every time she'd doze off.

Finally, though, after having a nice long meal, I just put her down, and let her lie halfway off the pillow she'd been lying on--and put another pillow under her body, so she wouldn't flop over. And she stayed asleep. She was taking up my entire side of the bed, so I kind of slept sideways underneath her. (I was exhausted enough to be able to sleep well anyway.)

She ended up sleeping a full 6 hours after that. Good for any night!

Home

Calina was SO happy to get unhooked from those monitors & IV's... she didn't have a single fussy moment after they freed her.


She slept in the car all the way home, and is just happily sitting in her swing, sucking her hand, and listening to daddy play video games (yes, already).

Auntie Jess met us at the door, and gave Calina a little love. Gramma went to the store to get some food for us for the night.

We have a little bit of a regimen: 3 times a day, I have to clean her incisions with betadyne, and then cover them with antibiotic ointment. (Thankfully we only have to keep up with that for 3 days or so.) Once a day, I have to wash her head with a special disinfecting shampoo. We have an appointment with the surgeons in about 2 weeks (July 2), so they can check to see that everything looks as it should. About a week after that, we'll probably have her first helmet.

Mostly, we're just glad to be home. We made it out of that room, out of that hospital, with our baby girl intact and happy. I know things could change at the drop of a hat, but right now, she seems so content.

Aww

She finally gave up the ghost and fell asleep. With her dad asleep sitting up in a chair next to her. <3 Cuteness!

I take it back

We've had so many people in and out messing with Calina this morning, she has gotten totally overtired. She wanted to go to sleep about 2 hours ago, but... we kind of missed that opportunity, and now she's SUPER cranky.

Colin seems to have endless patience when it comes to trying to entertain her, so thank god for that. I'm too exhausted!

Good news: Dr. Johnson said we can go home! Unfortunately, it looks like we might just sit here all day waiting for the paperwork to get finished. That's the worst. Knowing that we COULD be in the car on the way home, but... we just have to sit here in anticipation not knowing when they'll finally spring us.

I'm hoping that they'll at least get the IV's out of her hand & foot, and MAYBE let her off the monitors while we wait. We'll see I guess. The nurse is coming in to wash her head again in a little bit.

By the way, is this not the cutest face in the world? She's looking so good.

Morning 3

Gramma spent the evening here with us last night. We had dinner, watched Jeopardy. Kind of like normal.

I think I managed to sleep a full night's worth over the course of the evening last night... 12-2am, feeding, 2-7, feeding. I might even go back to sleep after I finish writing this, just because I can!

Calina seems to know that she needs rest, so she's been surprisingly willing to be left in bed. She lets me know when she's hungry, I hold her for a few, and then she goes right back to sleep. She's such a little angel. And sleeping again.

We haven't seen the doctor yet this morning, but a few people have been through to look at her and say she looks great. And she really does.


I can't believe how well she can still open her eyes at this point. Everyone warned us that her eyes would be completely swollen shut by this point, and.. they're not! That left eye has plenty of room left!

It's such a relief to get to this point. There's nothing going on that is really any cause for concern whatsoever... She doesn't seem to mind much, doesn't appear to be in much pain. The only time she ever complains is when they take her blood pressure. (She hates that thing.)

Colin is doing really well, too. He talks to her while she's awake, sings her the Ants Marching song, He's sleeping a ton -- stays asleep when I get up to feed her or talk to the nurses.

And me? I'm doing surprisingly well, too. I thought I'd be a wreck. I was a wreck when we arrived. But now... I'm really just relieved. A little nervous about what comes next, but... really, really relieved.

Ho Hum

Nearing the end of day 2... and getting a little bored. We watched When Harry Met Sally last night and Jerry Maguire this afternoon (unintentional theming on Colin's part, I'm sure). Calina's eaten a few times without throwing up now, and slept happily on Colin through the whole movie.

They said that she is looking phenomenal: her blood levels are fantastic, her pain seems well-managed, her swelling is bad but not BAD, and she's eating & eliminating plenty.

It looks like, despite the fact that she's doing so well, they're not going to move us into a regular room (I get the feeling that it's just too much hassle). We'll be able to just stay put here in the ICU till she's discharged tomorrow.

Her swelling is making her look a little like she's Asian. :)

Morning

I slept surprisingly well for about 3 hours just then... I couldn't believe what time it was when I looked at the clock.

She clearly feels better this morning. She ate almost like normal for quite a while. And then spit it all up. And then she ate again, and then spit all that up, too. She's got her mom's sensitive stomach when it comes to drugs, it seems. :)

She watched Colin for a long time, and even enjoyed her panda book.

Dr. Johnson came in this morning to check her out, and she herself was amazed at how different her head looks this morning. It's significantly filled out on top. They took her hat off for good, so we can really see what's going on. (Photos coming.)

What else...?

The food here seems to be hit-or-miss. :) Lunch was great, dinner.. not so much. Could be because we didn't order it until 11:15pm, though. Our bad.

Time for breakfast!

The Wee Hours

The nursing team in the ICU here is really amazing. They are taking such good care of the baby.

Every 2 hours, they come in to check her... Thankfully, they're understanding enough to know that if she's asleep, sometimes it's better to just let her be than to take (another) blood pressure reading. They time things so they fall at the same time so they'd be waking her up anyway.

She just had her 4am checkup... had to have some blood drawn to check her levels again for when the doctors get here this morning. I think I actually managed to sleep an hour or two in there.

Bed Time

Somehow she knows it's her bedtime. She's sleeping for a while (in her bed) right now. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that we'll be sleeping much, unfortunately. There's a recliner that doesn't quite recline far enough for sleeping, and a futon that is quite hard, and not quite big enough for 2.

Not that we can really sleep anyway.

I think we'll order "room service" again. Good deal.

Preliminary Before and After Photos

I can't believe the difference already. When I asked if we'd be able to see a change in her head shape immediately, they both emphatically said "no"... and then "well, probably not."

I think they were either crazy or modest, because this difference is amazing.

(They also could be trying to guarantee that I understand there's a real need for helmet therapy, and they're just denying the fact that her head already looks so good.)

Before (narrow forehead):


After (HUGE difference above the temple area... could just be swelling, but... you can imagine what it will look like):


Before (big 'ol "biscuit" or "muffin" on the back):


Biscuit/Muffin, GONE!:


Crazy, right? For all of this agony, I'm at least glad there's such a difference already. Also, check out those TEENY TINY incisions. I love it. All the nurses are RAVING about how amazingly small they are compared to what most kids look like after their CVR (open) surgery, with the zig-zag from ear-to-ear. Thank GOODNESS we did it right.

All the other photos (heads up, some look a tiny bit gross -- it's just neosporin, not ooze) are over at the picasa page.

After

Calina looks really good.

She doesn't feel really good, however. I think more than pain, she's just full of frustration. She's been through quite an ordeal, and all she wants is to be held and walked around or to lay down next to me in bed. And the frustration continues because neither of those things are possible yet.

She's in the ICU, and I can hold her, but it's quite an ordeal with all the monitors... and an IV in her hand and in her foot. So they kind of want me to just leave her in the bed. Which is fine when she's tired and sleeping, but they're finding she's one heck of a stubborn little girl when she's not getting what she wants. She'll fight sleep to the bitter end if she's not happy. And she is not happy lying in a weird bed, alone, with crap all over her. Plus she feels icky. What a nightmare.

Good news is, we're down to frustration. And a little bit of pain. The surgery itself has passed, and went beautifully. She, up to this point, still hasn't needed any blood. (I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that she, after all this, manages to escape a transfusion.) They're going to test her counts again in the morning, but she's looking great so far.

I also got a peek at her new head, and I think there could already be quite a difference. Her skull seems to have expanded sideways. I'll take some photos as soon as we're in a bright enough room. (They keep this ICU dark and quiet!)

The Other Side

We're still waiting, but surgery's done.

Drs. Johnson and Ruiz brought us back to talk to us (we haven't seen her yet), and let us know that she is doing really well, and should be awake in another half hour or so.

They did the surgery endoscopically - with two tiny incisions - and, so far (fingers crossed), she hasn't needed a transfusion. They seem really excited that it went as well as it did, and are looking forward to seeing her progress with her helmet. Dr Ruiz said that Dr Johnson's endoscopic incisions are the smallest he's ever seen. And they were still able to do everything they wanted to. At the last minute, I asked Dr Johnson exactly what she'd be doing, and she grabbed a paper towel, and drew this for me:

I said as soon as she drew that little oval, "It looks just like her!"... and laughing a little about that made me feel a lot better in the moment.

I told them that I knew how desperately hungry she will be when she wakes up (poor thing! it's been almost 9 hours since her last meal ended!), so they promised to take me back to feed her as soon as the nurse thinks she's awake enough to eat.

I can't wait to get back there and see her. :)

Waiting

Although she was scheduled for 9:00, Calina didn't go in to the OR until 10:20. She'd just woken up in the wrap (starving) and the nurses came in to get her right before she started really fussing... Perfect timing, really. They knew better than to have her lie on her back on the bed to be wheeled away, so one of the nurses just carried her away, wide-eyed and happy.

We had to leave the house this morning at 6am, which was really rough. I had to wake up the baby at 4:30 to make sure she had a good looooong meal before 5am (her "no more eating" deadline). Thankfully she ate a ton, and kept all of it down!

When we arrived at the hospital around quarter to 7, we figured that, worst case, she'd have to stay asleep in the wrap for 2 hours. And I figured that would be doable. But right around 9:00, when the surgery was scheduled to begin, they told us that the surgery before us was taking longer than expected, and they'd start as soon as they could. So, miraculously, she managed to continue sleeping all the way up till they came to get her!

Colin, gramma, and I are down in the cafeteria, waiting for news. I had a banana and a coffee; Colin's already through a chef's salad, Gatorade, and a piece of cake. We're wishing we had a deck of cards.

One of the nurses in the surgery just called a minute ago to let us know that they're underway, and all is well. We'll hear back from them in another hour, when things should be getting closer to wrapping up, if it's going as planned.

Music

Hard to decide what to listen to on the way to the hospital. Ended up with Bright Eyes, "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning". Right sort of melancholy. Wrong sort of angst.

We're finally here...

We're one day away from Calina's craniosynostosis surgery, finally. As much as we've been dreading getting to this point, it's nice to know that we'll be "on the other side" in less than 24 hours.

Colin and I will have our phones with us throughout the whole process, and I should be able to post updates and photos here while we're at the hospital. I know how bad I've been about this stuff in the past, but I have to say that were it not for other people who had done the same thing (posting stories and photos), I would be a lot more worried and clueless about what to expect. I want to be able to help other parents who are going through the same thing we have, so they can have the same luxury.

I think gramma said it perfectly today: It's just so sad that Calina is finally starting to really engage with the world around her... and we're going to take away how good that feels. She will be very upset going into surgery without mom & dad, having been STARVED for hours (her last meal has to be 5 hours before her surgery!), and then waking up without any familiar faces. If there were one thing I could change about the process, it would be that: let me stay with her until she's unconscious, and then let me be there when she wakes up. I've asked already, and have already been told "no", but I'm going to keep asking. :)

I know Colin & gramma have been worried about the big picture: whether she'll come out OK. With all my research and reading about people who have gone through this, I am not so concerned with how she's going to fare over time... in a week, or a month, or a year down the road, I know she'll be just fine. What I'm most worried about is causing her such discomfort and fear in such large doses, and not being able to do anything about it. She's going to hate getting her hair washed for 10 minutes straight tonight (and tomorrow morning, and right before surgery...) hate having things attached to her, hate lying down on her back by herself (and have no one there who knows what's wrong when she cries about it), she'll hate having bandages on her head, hate feeling queasy from the pain meds, hate not being able to open her eyes to see us when she's swelling up... And next week, she'll hate getting scanned for her helmet again, hate wearing the little knit hat around her neck... The following week, she'll hate the feeling of her helmet on her head, hate how she can't get comfortable to sleep, hate how hot she gets with it on.

I know it's just little things, but I can anticipate them all, and... how much stress is all that for a tiny baby who's been so comfortable and happy her whole life??

Anyway.

I will try my best to keep everyone updated as we go along. We'll be arriving at the hospital at 7am, and surgery is scheduled for 9am. Hopefully, we'll get to see her by noon.

baby's first freckle...

She has a tiny little freckle on her left forearm!! (I'm such a dork.)

Chilren's Orchard

We happened upon Children's Orchard today, while we were out and about. It's a resale shop that sells really nice gently used (or not used at all) upscale kids' and babies' clothing and paraphernalia. Everything was brand name... either Gymboree stuff or Gap or Osh Kosh B'Gosh, with some things having the original tag on it! 

We ended up with clothes that I only would've dreamed of, but never spent the money on... Babies grow too fast! (One of the outfits that came from the Gap would've cost at least $20. Believe me, I've looked.)

They're doing a special fill-a-whole-bag for $5 sale this week that we might have to go back for... 

What I love...

What I love about my 10.5 week old: 

• Her saddest face is my favorite face. Great big quivering cheeks with the cutest darn pouty mouth ever. I'll try to capture a photo next time I see her sad.
• Her newest trick: grabbing the hem of her skirt and pulling it up to her shoulder. 
• It's getting easier and easier to induce a smile.

UP

It's so strange that I wrote all about keeping myself from wasting time... And we did just that today: we decided to take Calina to her first movie, "Up", the new Pixar film.

We were a little worried about a few things: 1. that she would be able to get through it without screaming for some reason or another and 2. that it would be too loud and I'd feel guilty having her sit through a whole loud movie. 

Thankfully my fears were completely unfounded (once the loud previews were over, I didn't have any very loud bits to worry about), and she slept in her wrap through the entire thing. 

The movie itself happened to deal with exactly what I was talking about yesterday: life passing us by. 2 idealistic children, Carl and Ellie, make promises to each other to have incredible adventures together by traveling to South America and setting up a life atop a waterfall. Instead, in the first 20 minutes of the film, we see them get married, attempt and fail to have children, grow up, grow older, and eventually Ellie dies, leaving him with unfulfilled promises and a locked-up heart full of regret and ornery stubbornness. "Up" could have been a short film and ended there... There was so much substance and meaning in that first segment that it was a masterpiece on its own. 

However, we get to see Carl as an old man on his own, talking to his empty house as though it were his wife, setting out to bring their dream to fruition: floating his house down to South America, to live atop that waterfall.

Without giving too much of the movie away, I just wanted to talk a little bit about the emotional substance of it... 

• Most of us make promises to ourselves and others about the things that we want to accomplish before our lives are over... a "bucket list" of sorts. The problem is, that life always finds ways to get in the way. Have we failed if we aren't able to follow through? And failed what, or who? 

• Carl felt such regret and guilt that Ellie died before having the experiences she'd always dreamed of, but eventually (posthumously near the end of the movie) she made it clear that she thought that life was a great adventure within itself, and that being with Carl all the way through it was everything she'd hoped for after all. 
  
  Colin seems to be able to live without the adventurous sort of goals at all. He aspires to have a life that feels good from day to day, and knowing that today you helped yourself survive tomorrow, so that you can continue living to enjoy the next day. I, on the other hand, get so wrapped up in what I might miss out on, my focus is always on my next great adventure... Unlike Ellie and Carl, I've had the good fortune of being well-traveled and actually achieving several things I set my heart on. So I'm always thinking, always plotting: What can I plan next? Where can I go? 
  
  Should I worry that I'm missing out on what's in front of me?

• Through all of Ellie's life, though, they tried and tried to fill a jar to save money to take them to Venezuela, and darn it all if life didn't keep blocking their attempts to save: car repairs, hospital bills... But all the while, to the very end, they dreamed of what it might be like. Maybe having dreams and NOT fulfilling them is okay, too. Maybe the act of wanting and aspiring, even when we fail, is good enough.
  
  Just having the jar is good enough.

• And then there is the issue of selflessness... Carl's attempts to hold on to Ellie produce a central conflict in the movie: how do we continue to care for memories and our own goals (and our own pain) while at the same time care for others? Carl learns his lesson quickly that succeeding at his own goals aren't good enough... That the only thing in life that really felt right was sacrificing what he thought he wanted for what he knew was the right thing to do: to put aside his goals and give of himself for the well-being of others. 
  
  This conflict was probably what I could identify with the most... Trying to achieve a balance between self-interest and altruism makes sense, except that helping people a little isn't nearly enough. When living in solitude and wallowing in self-pity (even when is it well-deserved and absolutely justifiable) gives way to a new purpose, a higher purpose, and instead you give love and effort and time, even to those you disdain -- you give up a little of yourself, and find you end up just giving and giving, because, well, that's how it should be. 
  
  Right belief -> right action. Orthopraxy.

I love my life. I really do. It's stressful and sad and full of terrible things... But it's all worthwhile to see and live and love another day.