I had to.
We had a meeting about the future of our business, and it was looking like it was going to be all on me to make sure that I could run the business on my own (and partner with our new investors). I had to make sure that Jess & Gramma knew what might be happening come April...
Their reactions were completely insane. I mean, I guess I should have been expecting what they gave me, but... I really was not prepared for the firestorm of shock that came my way. I think Colin's underwhelming, cute reaction to the news spoiled me to a certain extent.
Gramma couldn't stop saying, "whaaaat?!" ... "no...." ... "whaaaaat??!!?" ... "you're kidding...." Literally, for a few days. Shuttling between disbelief and tears. She's settled down a little bit, but... Every now and then she just jumps back to it and says, "I just can't believe it... Oh, it's so exciting!"
Jess had kind of a strange reaction. She seemed really excited when I first told her, but then she really shrunk away... I couldn't tell what was up till the next day when it all came pouring out: She was really worried that she would feel like a less-good mom if I were a mom at the same time... And she was furious with herself for reacting so viscerally to the news. We talked it out, and I think we cleared it up. I hope I was able to ease her mind... What's crazy is that I can't imagine a more awesome mom than her -- she's way nicer than me. :) At the very least she can feel good about the sure thing that my little one will definitely want to go hang out with Auntie Jess & Jhonen all the time to escape my (and Colin's) wrath. (We're pretty tough cookies!)
In her personal upheaval and upset with my news, she couldn't help but slip the word to Ben, which made her feel even worse, when I ended up trying to wait a few more days till Colin felt more comfortable sharing the news with him... and she thought for sure I'd tell him right away. When I finally did decide to tell him, I kind of realized he already knew.
"Did Jess tell you the big news?" I asked.
"Yeah... But I'm supposed to act like she didn't."
I laughed.
"So, how about that?... How about that? That's pretty awesome."
We ended up talking more about Jess's endearing inability to keep anything under her hat. And I told them both that Colin probably preferred it that way anyway.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The worrying continues.
Has time ever moved so slowly? I cannot believe I have only had to keep this in for 5 days. It seems like a month!
More than anything, I am just dying to find out if the pregnancy is "real"... if it's viable, if it's in the right place, if everything looks to be normal. A heartbeat should be able to be picked up by sonogram anytime now. I have all of these huge plans and ideas and so much love ready to pour into this whole "project"... but I am still hesitant to even feel good about it, much less tell anyone, until I know that it's really really real.
I found a woman's blog the other day that really freaked me out. I didn't even know what I was getting myself into, but... I started reading, and she had a very similar attitude and tone of voice as I do, I felt like I could really relate to her. She talked all about her excitement, about getting pregnant, about how to tell everyone, about expectations and fears -- all as it was happening, much like I'm doing here.
Finally, her 8th week arrives, and she has her first doctor's appointment, and it was over, just like that: the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat where there should have been one. It had stopped growing about a week earlier. She still had all of the symptoms, but suddenly they were all for nothing. They gave her a pill to dispense the failed pregnancy, and the story was over. She talked a little about her grief, about having to deal with going back to everyone she'd excitedly told she was pregnant that it didn't work out... She felt like she had really had a huge loss, but it was so early along in the process, that she didn't even feel like she could talk to other women she knew who had much later miscarriages, because her loss seemed so much less significant. She was totally alone and sad and felt dumb. She later blogged about two further successful pregnancies, but... I happened to land on the... uh... good one.
So, depressing, right?
I know the statistics, and I'm neither overly pessimistic or optimistic. I know at this point, it's just a speck in my belly that is making me feel like crap.
At this point, I'm weighing my options in terms of healthcare and finding out about the baby... I'd really like to be able to have a picture of the little one, which I think I can probably only get at the OB/GYN's office. However, I would really prefer to not start this off on the wrong foot. I think it really would just stress me out too much.
If I haven't mentioned it yet, I really want to have a home birth if I can. I've always wanted to, and now that making this decision is really at hand, I don't feel like I'm chickening out at all. I'd really love to interview a ton of midwives and find one that I really love and trust, who can come to me when the time comes.
Yes, I realize that I am crazy. That's okay.
I can't keep it from everyone.
I did have to tell someone today... so now a total of 3 and maybe 4 people know. My dentist wanted to give me x-rays today, and I had to tell her. Now, usually that's no big deal, you don't have to see your dentist much, and she/he probably doesn't really care anyway... But this is different. Katie, my dentist, is really more like a friend than anything. All of us (Jess, Ben, Gramma, Colin, and I) go to her, as do many of Ben & Colin's co-workers... We were all some of her very first patients. She's very involved in all the stuff going on in all of our lives, and she LOVES to talk to us about it. She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone, but... I felt really guilty that she was the first person to know. And, of course, her assistant was there, so she knew, and I think the receptionist read it on my chart... and I was so paranoid the latter was going to just let it slip... There were two close calls:
To Jess: "What's with you girls, not even looking like you're pregnant..."
To Me: "So, I guess you had a good checkup, huh?" ::wink::
Colin is so cute.
For the first time, maybe ever, Colin called me today for no particular reason. Just to see how I was. It totally made my day.
Doing that sort of thing is so my style -- I love just calling up to say hey, see how the day's going, if anything interesting is going on... Just to chat.
Colin, on the other hand, doesn't do that. I was almost worried that it was so out of character, Jess would think something was up. If I call him for no reason, more often than not he's just annoyed at me because I interrupted him when he was busy working.
But today, he checked up on me. So adorable.
More than anything, I am just dying to find out if the pregnancy is "real"... if it's viable, if it's in the right place, if everything looks to be normal. A heartbeat should be able to be picked up by sonogram anytime now. I have all of these huge plans and ideas and so much love ready to pour into this whole "project"... but I am still hesitant to even feel good about it, much less tell anyone, until I know that it's really really real.
I found a woman's blog the other day that really freaked me out. I didn't even know what I was getting myself into, but... I started reading, and she had a very similar attitude and tone of voice as I do, I felt like I could really relate to her. She talked all about her excitement, about getting pregnant, about how to tell everyone, about expectations and fears -- all as it was happening, much like I'm doing here.
Finally, her 8th week arrives, and she has her first doctor's appointment, and it was over, just like that: the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat where there should have been one. It had stopped growing about a week earlier. She still had all of the symptoms, but suddenly they were all for nothing. They gave her a pill to dispense the failed pregnancy, and the story was over. She talked a little about her grief, about having to deal with going back to everyone she'd excitedly told she was pregnant that it didn't work out... She felt like she had really had a huge loss, but it was so early along in the process, that she didn't even feel like she could talk to other women she knew who had much later miscarriages, because her loss seemed so much less significant. She was totally alone and sad and felt dumb. She later blogged about two further successful pregnancies, but... I happened to land on the... uh... good one.
So, depressing, right?
I know the statistics, and I'm neither overly pessimistic or optimistic. I know at this point, it's just a speck in my belly that is making me feel like crap.
At this point, I'm weighing my options in terms of healthcare and finding out about the baby... I'd really like to be able to have a picture of the little one, which I think I can probably only get at the OB/GYN's office. However, I would really prefer to not start this off on the wrong foot. I think it really would just stress me out too much.
If I haven't mentioned it yet, I really want to have a home birth if I can. I've always wanted to, and now that making this decision is really at hand, I don't feel like I'm chickening out at all. I'd really love to interview a ton of midwives and find one that I really love and trust, who can come to me when the time comes.
Yes, I realize that I am crazy. That's okay.
I can't keep it from everyone.
I did have to tell someone today... so now a total of 3 and maybe 4 people know. My dentist wanted to give me x-rays today, and I had to tell her. Now, usually that's no big deal, you don't have to see your dentist much, and she/he probably doesn't really care anyway... But this is different. Katie, my dentist, is really more like a friend than anything. All of us (Jess, Ben, Gramma, Colin, and I) go to her, as do many of Ben & Colin's co-workers... We were all some of her very first patients. She's very involved in all the stuff going on in all of our lives, and she LOVES to talk to us about it. She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone, but... I felt really guilty that she was the first person to know. And, of course, her assistant was there, so she knew, and I think the receptionist read it on my chart... and I was so paranoid the latter was going to just let it slip... There were two close calls:
To Jess: "What's with you girls, not even looking like you're pregnant..."
To Me: "So, I guess you had a good checkup, huh?" ::wink::
Colin is so cute.
For the first time, maybe ever, Colin called me today for no particular reason. Just to see how I was. It totally made my day.
Doing that sort of thing is so my style -- I love just calling up to say hey, see how the day's going, if anything interesting is going on... Just to chat.
Colin, on the other hand, doesn't do that. I was almost worried that it was so out of character, Jess would think something was up. If I call him for no reason, more often than not he's just annoyed at me because I interrupted him when he was busy working.
But today, he checked up on me. So adorable.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Prolonging the myth.
I felt so much better today, most of the day at least. The biggest relief of all is that my headache has finally passed. The moment the migraine started persisting further than any I've ever had, I was almost certain that I would be one of those poor people living with a 10-year chronic condition... something that I'm not sure I would be able to live with without sinking into a severe depression.
The good news for the day is that our shop isn't shut down. It's just under the watchful eye of the Dept. of Agriculture, and if we don't end up selling the business in the next few months, we may have to comply with their (relatively modest) requests. The inspector sure did look in every single nook and cranny in our shop. ::sigh:: Thank goodness.
I was basically asymptomatic all day, except for the peeing, and the fact that my appetite has both increased in frequency and decreased in portion size... something I understand that I'm supposed to strive for, my body is taking care of automatically. I've started to try to track my caloric intake... because I honestly have no idea how many calories are in anything and I very well could either be starving to death or overeating indulgently, and I wouldn't know. Yesterday, I only took in 1500 calories, which I don't think is quite enough... But as I'm a bit overweight to begin with, I'm not sure what my goals ought to be! I met the "ideal" 30g of protein, and stayed under the 30% mark with my fat for the day. And I took my vitamin. :)
Anyway, until 7pm came around, I felt great. Suddenly I was really exhausted, and my stomach ached a bit from eating a spinach feta pretzel from starbucks. Hooray, first baby heartburn!
Typing this around 9pm, I just got out of a shower, and I'm practically falling asleep writing and listening to music.
I considered today the problem of my last name. I really don't want my baby to take my current last name... I don't even want my name... It's got a bad history and bad people attached. I can't imagine honoring the name by passing it on to my child.
Besides, Colin's name is awesome. It's super classy and not weird at all.
Therein lies the problem. If my baby has Colin's last name and I don't, then I'm totally left out of the Campbell clan, and that's sad. Now, let me be clear here: I'm ambivalent toward marriage in general... I wouldn't mind being married, but I don't cling to it like many people do; and I certainly don't consider it a moral imperative for building a family unit. I know that I love him, that he loves me, that we're in this together for the long haul, and that we'll love our baby and be great parents. We knew all that before a baby was in the picture, and we know it now.
That said, the idea of a preggers wedding here at the house sounds totally awesome to me. Most of Colin's family will be down in January for the Disney marathon weekend, and I'll be about 6 months along... pregnant enough to be really obvious, but not so pregnant I couldn't still get around comfortably.
I like it. :) We'll see what daddy has to say about that.
Edit: Daddy did not like that idea. ::sigh::
The good news for the day is that our shop isn't shut down. It's just under the watchful eye of the Dept. of Agriculture, and if we don't end up selling the business in the next few months, we may have to comply with their (relatively modest) requests. The inspector sure did look in every single nook and cranny in our shop. ::sigh:: Thank goodness.
I was basically asymptomatic all day, except for the peeing, and the fact that my appetite has both increased in frequency and decreased in portion size... something I understand that I'm supposed to strive for, my body is taking care of automatically. I've started to try to track my caloric intake... because I honestly have no idea how many calories are in anything and I very well could either be starving to death or overeating indulgently, and I wouldn't know. Yesterday, I only took in 1500 calories, which I don't think is quite enough... But as I'm a bit overweight to begin with, I'm not sure what my goals ought to be! I met the "ideal" 30g of protein, and stayed under the 30% mark with my fat for the day. And I took my vitamin. :)
Anyway, until 7pm came around, I felt great. Suddenly I was really exhausted, and my stomach ached a bit from eating a spinach feta pretzel from starbucks. Hooray, first baby heartburn!
Typing this around 9pm, I just got out of a shower, and I'm practically falling asleep writing and listening to music.
I considered today the problem of my last name. I really don't want my baby to take my current last name... I don't even want my name... It's got a bad history and bad people attached. I can't imagine honoring the name by passing it on to my child.
Besides, Colin's name is awesome. It's super classy and not weird at all.
Therein lies the problem. If my baby has Colin's last name and I don't, then I'm totally left out of the Campbell clan, and that's sad. Now, let me be clear here: I'm ambivalent toward marriage in general... I wouldn't mind being married, but I don't cling to it like many people do; and I certainly don't consider it a moral imperative for building a family unit. I know that I love him, that he loves me, that we're in this together for the long haul, and that we'll love our baby and be great parents. We knew all that before a baby was in the picture, and we know it now.
That said, the idea of a preggers wedding here at the house sounds totally awesome to me. Most of Colin's family will be down in January for the Disney marathon weekend, and I'll be about 6 months along... pregnant enough to be really obvious, but not so pregnant I couldn't still get around comfortably.
I like it. :) We'll see what daddy has to say about that.
Edit: Daddy did not like that idea. ::sigh::
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Keeping this secret...
This could very well be the hardest secret I have ever kept in my whole life. My mind keeps wandering off on its own, creating ways to break the news to everyone.
I would be shouting it out to the world, but there are a few things that keep me in check:
So, for those of you who will eventually read this and be a little hurt that I didn't just come out with it, these are my reasons. I know that I can be crazily private sometimes. But in this case, I'm not being private for the sake of keeping it to myself. I can't wait to tell everyone!
I would be shouting it out to the world, but there are a few things that keep me in check:
- Colin isn't quite ready to get the news out. The poor guy is on as much of a rollercoaster of emotions as I am, it seems. He's already turning into the loving, understanding caretaker I always knew he would be... But I think he's worried about how people will take the news.
- 4 weeks, 3 days of pregnancy isn't by any stretch of the imagination "out of the woods". I realize that there is a very VERY good chance that something might go wrong sometime soon, and when I tell people, I want it to be real. I want it to stick.
- I need to focus on Jess right now -- we're having a baby shower for them in 2 weeks, and there is so much work to be done. I don't want to break the excitement or anticipation for her baby at all... I really want 100% of the baby attention to be on her right now... And the extreme elation that comes from finding out that someone's pregnant doesn't exactly fall within those boundaries.
So, for those of you who will eventually read this and be a little hurt that I didn't just come out with it, these are my reasons. I know that I can be crazily private sometimes. But in this case, I'm not being private for the sake of keeping it to myself. I can't wait to tell everyone!
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