The worrying continues.

Has time ever moved so slowly? I cannot believe I have only had to keep this in for 5 days. It seems like a month!

More than anything, I am just dying to find out if the pregnancy is "real"... if it's viable, if it's in the right place, if everything looks to be normal. A heartbeat should be able to be picked up by sonogram anytime now. I have all of these huge plans and ideas and so much love ready to pour into this whole "project"... but I am still hesitant to even feel good about it, much less tell anyone, until I know that it's really really real.

I found a woman's blog the other day that really freaked me out. I didn't even know what I was getting myself into, but... I started reading, and she had a very similar attitude and tone of voice as I do, I felt like I could really relate to her. She talked all about her excitement, about getting pregnant, about how to tell everyone, about expectations and fears -- all as it was happening, much like I'm doing here.

Finally, her 8th week arrives, and she has her first doctor's appointment, and it was over, just like that: the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat where there should have been one. It had stopped growing about a week earlier. She still had all of the symptoms, but suddenly they were all for nothing. They gave her a pill to dispense the failed pregnancy, and the story was over. She talked a little about her grief, about having to deal with going back to everyone she'd excitedly told she was pregnant that it didn't work out... She felt like she had really had a huge loss, but it was so early along in the process, that she didn't even feel like she could talk to other women she knew who had much later miscarriages, because her loss seemed so much less significant. She was totally alone and sad and felt dumb. She later blogged about two further successful pregnancies, but... I happened to land on the... uh... good one.

So, depressing, right?

I know the statistics, and I'm neither overly pessimistic or optimistic. I know at this point, it's just a speck in my belly that is making me feel like crap.

At this point, I'm weighing my options in terms of healthcare and finding out about the baby... I'd really like to be able to have a picture of the little one, which I think I can probably only get at the OB/GYN's office. However, I would really prefer to not start this off on the wrong foot. I think it really would just stress me out too much.

If I haven't mentioned it yet, I really want to have a home birth if I can. I've always wanted to, and now that making this decision is really at hand, I don't feel like I'm chickening out at all. I'd really love to interview a ton of midwives and find one that I really love and trust, who can come to me when the time comes.

Yes, I realize that I am crazy. That's okay.

I can't keep it from everyone.
I did have to tell someone today... so now a total of 3 and maybe 4 people know. My dentist wanted to give me x-rays today, and I had to tell her. Now, usually that's no big deal, you don't have to see your dentist much, and she/he probably doesn't really care anyway... But this is different. Katie, my dentist, is really more like a friend than anything. All of us (Jess, Ben, Gramma, Colin, and I) go to her, as do many of Ben & Colin's co-workers... We were all some of her very first patients. She's very involved in all the stuff going on in all of our lives, and she LOVES to talk to us about it. She promised me she wouldn't tell anyone, but... I felt really guilty that she was the first person to know. And, of course, her assistant was there, so she knew, and I think the receptionist read it on my chart... and I was so paranoid the latter was going to just let it slip... There were two close calls:

To Jess: "What's with you girls, not even looking like you're pregnant..."
To Me: "So, I guess you had a good checkup, huh?" ::wink::


Colin is so cute.
For the first time, maybe ever, Colin called me today for no particular reason. Just to see how I was. It totally made my day.

Doing that sort of thing is so my style -- I love just calling up to say hey, see how the day's going, if anything interesting is going on... Just to chat.

Colin, on the other hand, doesn't do that. I was almost worried that it was so out of character, Jess would think something was up. If I call him for no reason, more often than not he's just annoyed at me because I interrupted him when he was busy working.

But today, he checked up on me. So adorable.